Take Our Test


Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast's "Be our guest"
         Abbreviation glossary:
                   P: Professors
          S1, S2, S3: Distinct students
                   S: Students in unison
                  TA: Teaching assistant

P: Ma chere tuition-payers,it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents - your final!

          P: Take your test
             Take your test
             Are you nervous?  Are you stressed?
             Winter's just around the corner now
             We love this time the best
             Physics laws
             English lit.
             Why, you'll never want to quit
             What's the formula for vinyl?
             Don't you love to take a final!
             Classic film
             Modern dance
             All the kings and queens of France
             You'll be writing with such energy and zest
             Go on and take some blue books
             You'll at least need two books
             Take your test
             Fake your test
             Take your test

             World War I
             World War II
             You'll be chugging Mountain Dew
             As you scram back home to cram
             And stay awake the whole night through
             If you're here
             And you're scared
             Then you're prob'ly unprepared
             Don't tell me about your party
             You should study, Mr. Smarty
             Distant stars
             Shakespeare's plays
             Let us run you through our maze
         S1: Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?
          P: Don't question our regime
             How could you dare blaspheme?
             Now take your test
             (You've B.S.ed,
              But you'd rather say you've "guessed")
             Take your test
             Take your test
             Take your test

             Life's all smiles and smirking
             For a student who's not working
             It's a gas without a class to load him down
             Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
             Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
             While he's been busy learning
             Curiosity's been burning
             What's it like to have a minute to himself?
             He won't know 'til after graduation
              They came here so lazy
              Now we're driving them all crazy!

          S1: It's a test!
          S2: It's a test
          S3: This can't be!  I still need rest!
           P: You want sleep, you little creep?
              That's very good.  That's quite a jest
              Ancient worlds
              Complex math
              And we won't withhold our wrath
              Yes, we'll give you quite a beating
              If we catch you while you're cheating
              Chinese art
              Civil E.
              Anesthesiology
          S3: Help me please!  I'm having cardiac arrest!
          S1: Somebody check his heart!
           P: Then label every part!
              It's on your test
           S: That's our test?
           P: That's your test
           S: What a pest!

          TA: Here's a test
              There's a test
              I'm so very much depressed
              Have to grade each one of these in just a day
              And I'm hard-pressed!
              Biochem
              Japanese
              Why our "quarters" come in threes
              While the deadline still is looming
              I'll keep grading
              I'll keep fuming

           P: Course by course
              One by one
              'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"
              Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed
              We've done our best to pester
              See you next semester!
              Take your test
              Take your test
              Take your test
              Now, take your test

(C) 1996 by Jason Knight. This work may be freely distributed in its unmodified form. Comments welcome. Mountain Dew is a brand name of the Pepsi-Cola Company.


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