My .sig Quotes

These are all the quotes I used to have in my .sig database. Ummm... that's all. Check 'em out. If you care to guess at any of them (the ones that aren't attributed), e-mail them to me. Or you can add a quote too. Just send me some e-mail and I'll put it up.

The Simpsons
Dave Barry


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"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

"Now that's what I call a close encounter."

"Must go faster."

"That was flirting."

"That wasn't flirting. That was 'have a pleasant and restful evening.'"
"No, that was 'I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?'"


"Don't underestimate the power of the Force."

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

"How 'bout Oklahoma?"

"You know... for kids."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store."
"I'll swallow your soul!"
"Come get some."

"That's no moon; it's a space station!!!"

"You're a 'Wong'?"
"Well, my mother was Irish."
"And your father?"

"You know what, mom? You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so that every time you're feeling unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

"When I ask for Sweet 'n' Low, that's what I want."

"Shutup, listen, learn..."

"In 200 years we've gone from 'I regret that I have but one life to give for my country' to 'fuck you'?"

"I've heard that relationships based on intense situations never last."
"Okay, we'll have to base it on sex then."

"God I hate that bitch."
"You probably shouldn't have married her then..."

"Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hidin'."

"The price is *wrong*, bitch!"

"Kneel before Zod!"

"Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddle bag with eyes."

"I'm frightened. Human beings get frightened. Didn't your alien leaders teach you that BEFORE THEY SENT YOU HERE?!?"

"You know what this family needs? A mute."

"No women, no kids."

"Somebody's coming. Somebody serious."

"What do you think the temperature is right now?"

"Who could that be? I only know nine people and they're all here."

"I hate you!"
"I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be CHINA!"

"Laugh it up, fuzzball."

"Looks like we're gonna need some more FBI guys."

"Oooo. I'm really scared. No, no don't! Somebody help! There's a peck here with an acorn pointed at me!"

"Take me to bed or lose me forever."

"Klaatu, Veratta, NyACHOO!!!"

The Simpsons

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"Oooo... floor pie!"
--Homer Simpson

"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"
--Homer Simpson

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." --Homer Simpson

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.

Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the prescription for you, Doctor... another hot beef injection! (Hands him a hot dog)

"Park your keester, meester!"
--Marge Simpson

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "'re making a scene."

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!

Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. (Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmm... sacrelicious.

Homer: Mmmm... beer.

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola.

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Homer: Mmmm... free goo.

Marge: "Homer, your work called and they said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday."
Homer: "Woohoo! Four-day weekend!"

"Sweet, merciful crap!"
--Homer Simpson

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step... slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk...

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you in or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63
(munch munch munch)
(cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS!YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)

Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... soylent green.

Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.

Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"): "The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).

Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy.

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.

Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.

Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!

"Be like boy! Be like boy!"

Dave Barry

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"Our idea of a stud-muffin prototype male was somebody along the lines of George Reeves, who starred in the black-and-white TV version of 'Superman,' playing the role of the mild-mannered newspaper reporter Clark Kent, whom nobody ever suspected of being Superman because he disguised himself by wearing glasses. (It is a known fact that if you put on glasses, even your closest friends will not recognize you; that's why, despite all the eerie similarities, nobody has ever figured out that Sally Jessy Raphael and Don King are actually the same person.)"

--Dave Barry

This is what a traffic light means to a Miami driver:

GREEN: Proceed

YELLOW: Proceed Much Faster

RED: Proceed While Gesturing

--Dave Barry

"Even if you love somebody very much, you eventually discover that this person has irritating habits, such as leaving toenail clippings around the house as though they were little art displays; or not disposing of the potato-chip bag after eating everything in it except three salt molecules at the bottom; or secretly being also married to somebody else; or humming the song 'Horse With No Name;' or responding to every single statement you make - including obvious factual ones, such as Montpelier is the capital of Vermont - by saying 'Well, that's *your* opinion.'"

--Dave Barry

MACKLIN, SASKATCHEWAN -- This is located in Canada, which is legally a foreign country, but it's well worth the trip, because Macklin is the proud home of the world's largest fiberglass replica of the ankle bone of a horse. This particular one stands 32 feet high, which makes it taller than any fiberglass horse ankle bone you're going to see in your so-called "sophisticated" cities such as New York or Paris.

--Dave Barry

"More and more, the people in "Customer Service" won't even talk to you. They prefer to let you interface with the convenient Automated Answering System until such time as you die of old age ("...if your *first* name has more than eight letters, and your *last* name begins with 'H' through 'L' - press 251 *now*. If your first name has *less* than eight letters, and your last name contains at least two 'E's, press 252 *now*. If your...").

-- Dave Barry