Pickup Lines, Pickup Lines, and Some Pickup Lines, Too
THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES
- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
- Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
- Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
- You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
- Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
- Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
- The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
- Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
- That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
- My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
- My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
- Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
- Can I flirt with you?
- Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
- [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
- All those curves, and me with no brakes.
- If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
- I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
- Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
- Is it hot in here or is it just you?
- Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
- How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
- Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
- I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
- So... How am I doin'?
- How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
- [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
THE CANONICAL (complete for non-mathmeticians) LIST OF PICKUP LINES
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
Do you want to see something swell?
What do you like for breakfast?
Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you?
Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no.... Irish: Well, do you want some?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
I had a friend give a card that on the front:
1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3
you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
You smell wet. Let's Party.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
At the office copy machine:
Reproducing eh? Can I help?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines: --------------------------------- 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" 2. "Is that a false nose?" 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." 4. "I'm drunk." 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" 7. "I just threw up." 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that."
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...)
Hey baby...infect me!
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would c*m."
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What's the matter, don't like pizza?
I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
The front reads:
+------------------------------------+ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| +------------------------------------+
And the back reads:
+------------------------------------+ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? | |If so, just keep the card: If not, | |kindly return it because they are | |expensive. | | | |I'm not as good as I once was. | |But I'm good once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| +------------------------------------+
She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?
What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!
"Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children)
Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun]
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Bond. James Bond.
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.
Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more??
Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
Your place, or mine?
What's your sign?
Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?
You have the ass of a great artist.
FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
- MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT.
- PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
- LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS BIG!
There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
(to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Your face or Mine??
Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of
Him: I like nothing better.
The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
When asked for a match:
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Let's take a shower together --you smell.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.
I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out.
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
Want to see my stamp collection?
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
I'd look good on you.
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say, "Wanna roll?"
Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses)
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet."
Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
I would kill or die to make love to you.
I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements?
I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
- "I'm down here"
- "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
- "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
- "I can get you off the naughty list"
- "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
- "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
- "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler"
- "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
- "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
- "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"
Sex is a killer ... so die happy!
I love every bone in your body - especially mine
"Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?"
I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ... of course, this was all before AIDS)
Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Want to go get a pizza and then screw?
Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?
Hi! Can I buy you a Car?
Fancy a fuck?
My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
Lines by women:
-- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator]
-- How about a night of passion in Doncaster?
He: "What was that?"
She: "What was what?"
He: "That sound."
She: "I didn't hear anything."
He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck? A: Go away, little fuck.
How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....
HOW ABOUT: "DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACH?"
"NO." "CAN I."
"THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD KICK YOU OUT OF BED WOULD BE TO FUCK YOU ON THE FLOOR."
"Hey Baby, I want to lick your thighs"
Approach girl and say, "Do you like jewels" Then lob your dick out and say, "suck this it's a gem"
Or do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul
Or do you like pork? Suck this it's dripping
"That's a nice smile you've got - shame that not all you're wearing"
What nice legs you've got - I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt - or neck tie if you prefer
"Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?"
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Want a break tonight?