How to Be Annoying


Take the hotel towel
Pay tolls with $100 bills
Practice the art of limp handshakes
Tell the ending of movies
Send emails to listserv when nobody else can
Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
Leave the toilet seat up
Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
Turn on your brights for oncoming traffic
Finish other people's crossword puzzles
Use the last square of toilet paper, DO NOT CHANGE ROLL
Tailgate the elderly
Drum your fingers during other people's presentations
Don't leave a message at the beep, JUST A CLICK
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot
Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
Toss things out the window: tissues, cigarettes, cellophane food wrappings and those sorts of things
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April (hollys landlord)
Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures
See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window
Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
Go up the down escalator
Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
Snap your gum
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off
Open umbrellas in crowded hallways
Announce when you're going to the bathroom
Read over other people's shoulders on the bus
When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you
Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want
Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower
Chew other people's pencils
Lie to your therapist
Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces
Tell teenagers how things were in your day
Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation
Pee in the swimming pool
Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in
Wear large hats during the movies
Forget the pooper scooper
Race the old woman for the last bus seat
Cause gridlock
Bring 15 things into the dressing room
Draw mustaches on posters
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back
Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, MOVE IN FRONT OF THEM WHEN THEY TRY
Touch strangers
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
Bite your dentist's finger
Fart in cramped places
Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
Don't stand during hymns and anthems
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
Leave pages in the copier
Be "in conference" all the time
Don't clean the dryer lint screen
Buy it, wear it, return it
Tell people they have bad breath
Smell smoke often and announce it
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet
Put everyone on speakerphone
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you
Rain on someone's parade
Make scary faces at babies
Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
Pretend you're listening
Shake with your left hand


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