Life


THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

      AGE        DRINK
      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

      17         My parents are away for the weekend.
      25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
      35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
      48         My wife is away for the weekend.
      66         My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

      17         sex
      25         sex
      35         sex
      48         sex
      66         napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

      17         "tongue"
      25         "breakfast"
      35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
      48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
      66         "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

      17         getting to third
      25         airplane sex
      35         menage a trois
      48         taking the company public
      66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

      17         roaches
      25         stoned-out college roommate
      35         Irish setter
      48         children from his first marriage
      66         Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

      17         25
      25         35
      35         48
      48         66
      66         17

IDEAL DATE

      17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
      25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
      35         "Just come over."
      48         "Just come over and cook."
      66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

      AGE        DRINK
      17         Wine Coolers
      25         White wine
      35         Red wine
      48         Dom Perignon
      66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

      17         Need to wash my hair
      25         Need to wash and condition my hair
      35         Need to color my hair
      48         Need to have Francois color my hair
      66         Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

      17         shopping
      25         shopping
      35         shopping
      48         shopping
      66         shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

      17         "Burger King"
      25         "Free meal"
      35         "A diamond"
      48         "A bigger diamond"
      66         "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

      17         tall, dark and handsome
      25         tall, dark and handsome with money
      35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
      48         a man with hair
      66         a man

HOUSE PET

      17         Muffy the cat
      25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
      35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
      48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
      66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
                 Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

      17         17
      25         25
      35         35
      48         48
      66         66

IDEAL DATE

      17         He offers to pay
      25         He pays
      35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
      48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
      66         He can chew breakfast

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