John's Adventure


The following is very long and you don't have to swallow it all. (Incidentally, that's what I tell the girls before I clean their tonsils.)

So, I go the Reserve service on campus (Reserve service is a magical place where professors of UCI send certain class material to be checked out by the students so that they don't have to pay the outrageous royalties for copyrighted material) and say I to the guy at the counter, "I need these four folders."

He says, "You can only check out three at a time."

I say, "Then give me the first three, you putz."

He says, "Okay."

After scanning my ID card he says, "It says you're not registered anymore."

I say, "I had my name changed."

And he says, "You have to get a new card then."

I say, "Fine."

The next day I go to UCITEMS (where mystical gnomes come to your service and steal your money) to get a new ID card. I say to the girl gnome, "I need a new ID."

She says, "Is it lost?"

I say, "No, I had my name changed."

She says, "I don't think you can get it yet cuz the computer hasn't been updated yeoazvghreuigvjanva."

I say, "I changed it last year."

She looks at me confusedly. She says, "Okay." I walk over to the camera and she slowly oozes toward me saying, "Why did you wait til now?"

I say, "None of your f---ing business. Just give me a new ID!"

She says, "Okay."

So I go back to the reserve service and say to a different clerk, "I need these three folders."

He says, "You can only check out two at a time."

I say, "Then get me the first two!"

He scans my new ID card and says, "Have you used this card before?"

I say, "No, I just got it today."

He says, "Well you need to activate this card before you can check anything out."

I say, "Fine."

He continues, "...And if you go over to the library now, you just might make it before I close."

I say, "Shit!!"

I go to the library clerk who happens to look like an Ewok except with more facial hair. I say to her, "I need to activate this card."

She says, "........"

The guy behind her takes his nose out of her ass and says, "I can help you."

He snatches the card from my hand. He scans my card and says, "Your phone number."

I say, "My phone number?"

He says, "Last name and address."

I say, "Last name and address?"

He says, "NICE E-MAIL ADDRESS!!"

I say, "My e-mail address? h-a-l-9-0-0-0."

He says, "Yeah, nice e-mail address. Hal9000."

I say, "Yeah--okay--hm--hm."

He says, "Do you know what Sunday was?"

I say, "Huh?"

He says, "Last Sunday was the day that Hal9000 gained consciousness--January 12, 1997."

I say, "Can I have my card back?"

He gives me the card. I go to the reserve service for the third time and say, "I need these folders."

He says, "Okay." He scans my card and says, "You're activated." and hands me the folders.

And this is how I got the copy of Law, Rationalism and Capitalism by a Nazi named Max Weber so that I may stay up reading this shit at wee hours of the morning. Good night, kids.


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