JOBSPEAK


Applicant Speak

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
"I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
"I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.


Employer Speak

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"
You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:"
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:"
Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:"
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"
..who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:"
We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:"
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:"
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:"
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
You whine, you're fired.

"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"
We loooooove brown-nosers.


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