If Men Really Ruled
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off The Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.