The Standardized Guide to Sex, er, Football

Submitted by: PBJ

Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?...Well forget em!! This is *FOOTBALL* With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.


WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if your not on the field, get on)

your    10 yard line ............. holding hands
"       20 yard line ............. hugging
"       30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
"       40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
        MIDFIELD     ............. tongue kissing (serious territory)
his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
"       30 yard line ............. all clothes off
"       20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
        1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom
        GOAL LINE    ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)


NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out 
deep in your own end)
on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, On side
kicks are good if they work, but are risky)
kick return...............How far you get on the first date


NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards (get further with her,
Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play..............Skipping stage

UH OH
Fumble....................Impotence
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)


OTHER DEFINITIONS

Turnover..................Anal sex
Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range 
                          begins around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6 pts
Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...................ORGY
Missed Field Goal.........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to short!
3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)

THE OFFENSE

Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back..............A hand-off
Tight End.................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)

DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)

Defensive Line............Condom
Break in the defense......Condom breaks
The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz...................A "Quickie"

PENALTIES

Roughing..................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside...................Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS

Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)


SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.

1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover. 2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.


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