Jokes a Male Chauvenist Pig Can Appreciate

Please note that I did not write these, so don't sign my guestbook and insult me, at least not for that reason.


  1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
  2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  4. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
  5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
  6. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna to want to shoot it.
  7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
  8. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  9. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothing, she's already been told twice!
  10. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman that won't do what she's told.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
  13. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced.
  14. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
  15. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%:
    Wedding cake.
  16. Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
    Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  17. The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
  18. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested.
    Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
  19. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
  20. Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
  21. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    5 drinks!!!
  22. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."
  23. Do you know the punishment for bigamy??
    Two mothers-in-law.
  24. Young Son: "Dad is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
  25. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
  26. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
  27. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  28. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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