AOL Sucks Dick: An Explanation

Subject: Re: America On-Line provides fellatio?!?
From: (Peter A. Mangiafico)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.system writes:
> You stupid retard. AOL SUCKS dick. You must have no penis, it's damn
> aolers like you that screw over the Internet.

Hmm, let me see if I can translate this post from 13-year-old-speak to English:

"You stupid retard." -     Dear sir,

"AOL SUCKS dick." -     We are pleased to announce that among its traditional 
                        online services, American Online will now provide 
                        fellatio as a bonus service to long standing members.

"You must have no penis," -     Even those males who are anatomically 
                                challenged can benefit from our new

"it's damn the aolers like you"  -  as can members that are destined to 
                                        end up in hell.

"that screw over the Internet." -       We would also like to note that
                                        cross-continental intercourse is 
                                        currently in beta stage
                                        development and nearing
                                        completion.  Thanks again to our 
                                        many supporters over the Internet!

I hope I got that right.