A Caffeine-Enhanced Morning

Written on September 20, 1995


Waiting for the T this morning (that's the Boston subway train for all you sheltered souls out there in 'Net-Land), I had a thought. Yes, yes, I know... it's exceedingly rare these days for Yours Truly to have anything more than a Coca-Cola, let alone experience neural activity. But a thought it was, and an interesting one at that.

But before I tell you about my thought (that is, before I think up something humorous enough to keep your attention), I'd like to expound a bit on the virtues of the greatest over-the-counter drug since sliced bread. (Contrary to popular thought, Sliced Bread was once an illicit substance, sold on the street by devious characters in large-brimmed hats who walked with a strange swing, until the government legalized it and regulated its sale. It still produces tremendous revenue for the powers that be). The drug I'm referring to, of course, is Caffeine.

Have you ever noticed that all the major drugs begin with 'C'? Cocaine, Crack, Crystal Meth, Carijuana, Ceroin... and Caffeine. (Also, Cretin begins with 'C', but it's not a drug... it's just fun to say). Not only is Caffeine the only legal drug in the list above, it's also the most dangerous. Take Beavis, of TV's "Beavis and Butthead", for example. When he has Caffeine, he assumes an alternate identity, namely a person (I use 'person' in the loosest sense of the word) known as the Great Cornholio. (I use 'Cornholio' in the loosest sense of the word). Note also that Cornholio begins with a 'C'.

With his T-shirt pulled up to his head so that only his face sticks out of his collar, and his arms in the right-hand turn position, the Great Cornholio speaks at a speed that is unmeasurable with present scientific tools. He makes the Micro-Machine guy sound like that tortoise that raced Bugs Bunny in the Warner Bros. version of "The Tortoise and the Hare."

Speaking of Bugs Bunny, I never liked him. He was always so mean to everybody. True, most of the characters he was mean to were trying to kill him, but that's no excuse. For example, recall the episode in which Hiawatha was hunting Bugs. In a display of absolute cruelty, Bugs would bounce to the soundtrack, encouraging Hiawatha to imitate him, challenging him to a test that would ultimately end in tragedy for Hiawatha. The bunny would bounce in a certain pattern, which the Native American would attempt to duplicate - a feat he accomplished very well. That is, until Bugs lead him over the edge of a cliff, at which point Hiawatha would freeze in the air, look down, metamorphisize into a lollipop (a 'sucker', if you will), and then plummet to his doom. After which, Bugs would magically produce a carrot and say, "CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, ain't I a stinker? CHOMP CHOMP."

YES! He is a stinker!! Hiawatha was merely doing what was necessary for him to survive: hunting. Why punish someone for the way they are? True, Elmer Fudd was only hunting for sport (Why he was hunting a rabbit has always been beyond me. Why not hunt an elephant to murder it and rip out its face to extract its ivory tusks? Or a baby seal?) but, still, in the time Elmer was doing this, there wasn't such a concern for harming animals for no reason. (Remember, in the 1950's, women had more whale lard on their face than the ocean had whales). So as far as Elmer, and animals of that day, were concerned, he had every right to be hunting. I think Bugs just hated Elmer because he was different... his head was unusually large (even by my friend Chong's standards) for his body, and he always insisted on wearing that comical hunting hat on his shiny, bald head.

And Yosemite Sam. He rarely did anything to provoke Bugs. As I recall, Sam was usually minding his own business, doing his own thing, when Bugs would come along and be his usual asshole self. Of course, being a rootin'-tootin' cowboy, Sam would become enraged and offended and then, only after Bugs had riled him up, would he begin to fight. And he would always lose because Bugs always cheated. When Sam would challenge him to draw his gun, Bugs would pull out a pencil and paper and draw a picture of a gun. And after Sam had put his gun away and was inspecting Bugs' picture, Bugs would somehow make the drawing FIRE A REAL BULLET AT AN UNARMED, UNPREPARED YOSEMITE SAM!! Bastard.

And those were just Bugs enemies. How about when Elmer was hunting Bugs AND Daffy Duck? Instead of teaming up with Daffy to make it to safety, Bugs would betray his friend by changing all the signs from "Rabbit Hunting Season" to "Duck Hunting Season", covering his own ass while leaving his pal's out to dry.

What it all boils down to is that Bugs Bunny is a racist, prejudiced, Nazi who looks out for nobody but himself. That is why the "Tortoise and the Hare" episode is my favorite. Because the damn bunny LOSES the race!!! To a TURTLE!!! Sure, after the cartoon ends he probably murders the poor tortoise, or nails his kneecaps to the floor, or something even more devilish, but for one short moment, Bugs Bunny gets the shit-end of the stick.

My main point, however, is that the Great Cornholio talks much faster than the Micro-Machines guy. And this is because of Caffeine. Which is a lethal drug. Which I've had too much of this fine morning.

But about the thought I had while waiting for the T. Shit. I can't remember.



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